Interview with Drenda Thomas, Part 2

Welcome Back for Part 2. We’ve been talking with Drenda Thomas about her ministry, Piercing the Darkness. Drenda, when we left off last week, you had just told us that your husband goes with you when you do outreach. Let’s start there. Even with your husband nearby and a team of people at your side, have you ever been scared to enter an unfamiliar place?

Not really. Well, there was one night a few months ago. We went to a new club, and there was this HUGE guy standing out front. The ladies were questioning me as to whether or not we should go in. I said, “We’re going in” and got out of the van. Sweet Norma (a senior lady) was right behind me. As we’re walking up to the club, a girl gets out of the car and yells, “You found us! You finally found us!” She, and most of the people at this club, used to be at another strip club that burned down a couple of years ago. We were wondering where they ended up. It was like a family reunion. Lots of hugs and catching up. As I got closer to the door, I recognized the HUGE guy. We shook hands, and he welcomed us into the club. It was awesome!

Wow. Knowing that you were recognized, welcomed, and even missed makes me teary. What an incredible testimony to your impact on the people you choose to love. With that I am curious about the opposition you might face. Is there any spiritual warfare going on before, during or after your outreach time? Can you tell us what that might look like and how you handle it?

This question made me chuckle. YES, there is warfare! We joke (even though it’s no joke) that it must be outreach time because everything is going wrong. Problems at work, at the house, health issues, financial issues, car problems….you name it, the team has faced it. Once you realize it’s an attack, the situation is much easier to deal with. The situation may not be gone, but you know where it’s coming from. Then you can deal with it like you’re supposed to instead of freaking out.

It’s obvious you’re making an impact on the dancers and other club employees. How do you feel about the male customers?

I’ve had some visiting teams who had issues with the males in the clubs. Some women get really ticked off about the men. The men are no worse than the dancers. If all of the male customers were totally sold out to God, there would be no demand for dancers. The law of supply and demand…

Amazingly enough, we’ve had male customers ask us to pray for them, for their marriages, and one even asked us to pray for his girlfriend who was a dancer. She wouldn’t give up the dancing, and it was ripping him apart. We prayed for him in the parking lot, and tears rolled down his face.

What if any of the girls want to get out? Are you prepared to help them?

Yes, I’ve networked with for-profit and non-profit agencies, recruiters and other individuals who are willing to provide computer training, resume assistance, interviewing skills, business clothes, etc. at no charge.

You mentioned that you also do outreach at other venues such as Mardi Gras, Gay Pride parades, Fantasy Fest, and porn conventions. How do you prepare yourself for what you might find in these places?

I don’t think you can mentally prepare yourself for the first time you minister in these places. I imagined everyone would be having sex all over the place at the porn convention. Fortunately, the convention hall had rules that did not allow such behavior.

To prepare yourself spiritually, the “right” answer is: fast, pray, read your Bible….easier said than done because things don’t go as planned prior to outreach. Maybe it’s better that way in that I don’t have a canned speech ready for each person I meet. God is an individual God. He knows right where each person is and knows what they need to hear. If I know I’m unprepared, I’m more likely to be listening and to be dependent on Him. I’ll have something fresh, and it will be EXACTLY what the person needs to hear for their particular situation.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying to totally forget about praying and reading your Bible. I’m saying: do what you feel you need to do (fast, read, pray) but don’t beat yourself up if you don’t reach someone else’s hyper-spiritual goals. When we are weak, He is strong.

After every outreach into the clubs and any other street outreach, we pray over everything we saw and heard. We pray that the images we saw and any conversation we had or overheard that wasn’t good for us or that might cause us to fall into temptation wouldn’t stick in our brains.

You seem to receive a lot of welcome from the strip clubs. What about the other venues? Is there welcome there as well or do you feel hatred from some of these groups?

Have I had ice and beer thrown at me at Mardi Gras and Fantasy Fest just because I was in a parade that was singing a hymn while walking down the street? Yes.  My experience has been that these people hate Christians for good reason. Christians have been rude, self-righteous, hateful and down-right condescending to them. Churches have ostracized people because they didn’t fit a certain image. Is that how Jesus would treat them?

I’ve had many conversations with people who started out antagonist towards me because of how they labeled me. But once you allow people to talk and you really listen to them, you can find common ground and build from there. Following Christ is about building bridges – not burning them. It’s the goodness of God that draws people to repentance.

Are you uncomfortable being in the bars?

No. I know why I’m there.

One of my readers had this question: Are you uncomfortable being around the people demonstrating for their right to be against God (as in ministering at Gay Pride event)?

Not uncomfortable. It’s more heart-breaking than anything. I don’t take their demonstrations personally. Everyone has a choice to make. Not everyone will choose Christ. And not everyone is demonstrating “against God”. Many are simply anti-Christians. Can’t say I blame them. Christians can be pretty obnoxious at times. There have been times when I’m on the streets ministering that I shrink away from the street preachers who are yelling hellfire and damnation. I don’t want to be associated with those types of “preachers”. The ministries that I go with to Gay Pride, Fantasy Fest, Mardi Gras, etc. are not these types of street preachers. Do we speak the truth? Yes, but in love.

How do you go about ministering at a Gay Pride event?

I go with Ron and Judy Radachy of The Oasis of Hollywood. They’ve been ministering in Hollywood for about 30 years. At the Gay Pride Parade, we break into teams and roam up and down the street looking for people to talk with. Some people hand out tracts. Some people carry a sign that has a positive message – NOT “God hates gays.” I usually walk around and then find a place to sit. People get tired and come sit down by me. You make small talk about the parade, and then the conversation can be eased into how they feel about God, do they need prayer for anything, etc. Very non-confrontational in the approach. And if a conversation never turns toward God, that’s okay, too. I’m not there to ram God down their throats, but it is important for me to leave a good impression with them. I don’t want them to hate all Christians or God because of their encounter with me.

I’ve had some amazing encounters at the Gay Pride Parade in Hollywood. One time a guy came out of a building while we were walking down the sidewalk talking amongst ourselves. He approached us and said, “Don’t talk to me about God.”

“Okay, we won’t.”

“I told you don’t talk to me about God.”

“Okay.”

“I really don’t want to talk about God.”

“Okay, why don’t you want to talk about God?”

And then he launches into his frustrations with the church, etc. and walks off. It was bizarre…

Another time I met a former Assemblies of God pastor who was dressed in leathers. He had been kicked out of church the year before for having a homosexual affair. He left his wife and sons. He was extremely hurt over how his former pastor friends were treating him and his family. I apologized to him on behalf of the A/G (my dad is a retired Assemblies of God pastor). We had a very long conversation. He let me pray with him before he went on his S&M date with 4 guys. I pleaded with him not to go because I didn’t want him to get hurt. He thanked me for my concern, said I was the only one from the church to show any concern and walked away into the night. I’ve never forgotten him or that conversation.

Drenda, you’ve given us some eye opening accounts of your experiences. I know you have many more stories to tell than our time here allows. You’ve willingly put yourself on the front lines for those you’re aiming to help and that has taken you to some very dark places. How would you respond to believers who think we have no business being anywhere near such places?

My response is: look at Jesus’ life. Who did He hang out with the most? Or maybe I should say who did He like hanging out with the most? It sure wasn’t the church people (Pharisees). He called them vipers. He had mercy on the prostitutes, lepers, blind, tax collectors and all the other unseemly citizens. He touched them and talked to them when the rest of society ignored and shunned them.

By the way the tone of my response matters, too. I don’t come across angry — well, I try not to. I get rather frustrated with church people. I’m much more patient with non-church people.

If you are struggling with drug, alcohol or sexual addictions, don’t go to clubs/bars or places you used to hang out – even if it is to minister. Use wisdom. Wait until you are free of those addictions. You can minister in other ways and other places until then. You can always pray for the people in the clubs and for the people ministering to them. All ministries need good intercessors.

Amen to that!  This has been an amazing experience for me and I’m so excited about the work you and your team are doing. Any final thoughts or comments?

After 8 years I’m still amazed every single time a strip club lets us in the door. It’s been the favor of God. I’m also humbled that God trusts me enough to make me a part of his search and rescue team. I’m grateful for the team that God has assembled who goes into the clubs with me. They are an incredible group of ladies. I’m grateful for my dad and husband who have our backs.

One more thing…I’ve personally ministered with each of these ministries and HIGHLY recommend them.

http://xxxchurch.com/

http://www.rescueatlanta.com/

http://www.oasisofhollywood.org/

Piercing the Darkness will have its site up soon. It’s geared more towards the church and Christians. http://www.searchandrescueonline.com/

I’m working on a website specifically for the dancers. It will be: www.jesuslovesdancers.com

I send out an email the morning after an outreach.  If anyone is interested in being added to that, they can email me at deetr@comcast.net, and I will add them to the list.

What would be the best way for someone to contribute financially to the ministry for gift bag items or whatever other needs you might have?

Until we receive tax exempt status from the IRS, all donations are run through a local church who supports the ministry.  They give year-end receipts. To send a check, make it payable to “Spring First Church” and mailed to POB 130441, The Woodlands, TX 77393.

Thank you, Niki, for allowing me this opportunity.

Thank you Drenda for joining us here and challenging us to make the world a better place, and to love those within our reach no matter what their occupation, life situation, or addiction might be. Thank you for being an example to the Christian community and for passing on the love without judgment. May God continue to bless your ministry!

Interview with Drenda Thomas

Hello Drenda, and welcome to my blog. I’ve been anticipating this interview and I’m very excited to share your stories with the readers here. Because of the amount of questions and the nature of the answers, we’ll be splitting this interview into two parts. So let’s talk.

Can you tell me a little about your ministry and how you got started?

Piercing the Darkness started on New Year’s Eve 2000. We are still going to the same clubs as the first night. We’ve added several new ones and a couple of clubs have closed. The ministry was birthed after I heard Dan Betzer speak at a missions convention. He pastors in Ft. Myers Beach, FL. He told about a ministry in his church that goes to strip clubs. I called up the ministry leader and asked how/what she did. She told me the following story about her first night going in to the clubs:

She walked up to the stage as a girl was coming off the stage. She handed the girl a bag, and the girl said, “Are you an angel?”

“No, why do you ask?”

“Because I told God before I came to work tonight that if He were real to send me an angel tonight or I would kill myself when I got off work tonight.”

I knew at that point I had to go in to the clubs because how else would these girls ever know that there’s a God who still loves them and still has a plan and a purpose for their lives? They probably will never set foot into a church unless a friend keeps inviting them. So if they don’t go to church, we have to take the gospel to them.

That’s a great concept Drenda. God is already at work, but He uses His people to put a face on the love He has for them. I love that you took that first step in learning how you could become part of such a ministry. What fuels your passion for what you do?

Probably seeing that God still cares for these people, even though many of them have lives that are really messed up. He knows exactly where they are, and He cares enough about them to send in a bunch of “church ladies”. He wants them to know He still has a plan and a purpose for their lives – it’s not too late. I guess it’s seeing the Shepherd going after the one lost sheep. I never really understood that analogy/story until after a few years of doing this ministry and seeing God’s heart.

I imagine that for most people it would be a very scary experience to do what you do. Can you walk us through a visit to a strip club? What is it like? How do you feel while there?

We prepare the bags at a local church and pray over them before we go out. We could not nor would not do this without a prayer covering. We load up the van and take off down the highway. We go twice a month — once on Tuesdays, once on Fridays. The Friday night outreach is the newest addition. We started it several months ago when Kevin , one of our favorite managers, moved to a different club. We wanted to stay in touch with him so we added a separate night, and then there just happened to be some other clubs in the area…so we expanded.

At each club, we greet the valet/parking lot attendants and give them a bag. Then we give the cashier a bag and someone usually talks with her while the rest go into the club. I usually end up talking to the djays, managers and bouncers – catching up on their lives – while the team goes throughout the club and into the dressing rooms handing out the bags to the girls. There are some male patrons who request a bag. We always give them one.

We are always aware we’re in a place of business. We respect that. We don’t block entrances while talking to the girls. We don’t keep the girls from working. We talk or pray with them at their comfort level and within their time frame.

How do I feel while in there? At home. Yes, it’s weird. I feel comfortable. Don’t get me wrong. It’s still awkward seeing/hugging half naked girls. But I’m doing what I know I’m supposed to be doing.

It’s good to hear that you model respect for all you meet. I have found that to be a big door-opener when reaching out to the marginalized people in society. Being given respect can be a new concept for some who might have experienced “obnoxious Christianity” in the past, like only receiving respect after there is visible change in their lives.

I have to ask…What is in the gift bags?

Each bag contains a gift, an invitation to church (w/service times, map & phone #), a card with a phone number to call if they want prayer, a tract, an encouraging scripture, and chocolate candy. We’ve given the following gifts: a silver compact engraved with “You are special” or “You are loved”, picture frame, candles, photo album, eyeshadows, ceramic cross, scarf, handbags, nice writing pad, wallets, stuffed animals, etc. It’s hard to find 120-150 gifts that are the same. It creates too much chaos if the gifts aren’t the same because the girls will fight over them. We usually are able to get the gifts from the dollar store. We try to keep the total cost of each bag around $5.

On Christmas and Father’s Day we also give gift bags to the men. We give slightly more expensive gifts to the bouncers, djays and managers on these occasions because they have been so good to us throughout the year.

One gift that I’m the most excited about is giving the girls the book “Redeeming Love” by Francine Rivers. God blessed us so that we were able to purchase several hundred copies for less than $5 a piece. If you haven’t read this book, I HIGHLY recommend it. It’s based on the book of Hosea from the Bible, and it vividly portrays the unfailing, unconditional love of God and how He pursues us no matter where we go. We handed out 100 copies at the porn convention to the girls and to the female vendors. You can’t read the book without experiencing God’s love.

I have read Redeeming Love and it is excellent! That was a life-changing story for me as well and it is one of my favorite books. I buy copies when I can and give them to friends and family, asking them to pass them along after they’ve read them. That book gave me a clearer picture of God’s love for me. The gift bags are a great idea and I’m glad to hear you have friends who donate money as their way of joining your ministry . We’ll discuss a little later how others can also contribute to the gift bags if they’d like to.

This picture show the team praying with a dancer.  What kind of follow-up do you do? Or do you let the girls contact you if they choose to?

We leave the contact up to them. If they need prayer, there’s a 24-hour prayer line. The number is in the gift bag. If they want to talk with us further, they will give us their number. We’ve had a couple of girls and managers call the church because they had the card from the bag.

When Kevin was shot in the face a few hours after we left his club, we visited him in the hospital. A few years earlier when his son had been set on fire and burned by neighborhood kids, we prayed. God answered, and the kid is a walking and baseball-playing miracle. We got to meet him one night in the club’s parking lot. Kevin said, “I want you to meet the church ladies who’ve been praying for you.” I don’t think there were many dry eyes.

I can see why. Meeting someone your prayers have had a direct impact on must be really rewarding, as well as the blessing of continued friendship with Kevin and the love you’ve shown him and his family. What do you think is the toughest thing about being involved with ministering to people in the sex industry?

The money. It’s hard for them to leave the “easy” money. Where else can a girl without a high school education or with a GED make that kind of money? On top of that, 98% of these girls have been molested/abused. And on top of that, to dance naked/half naked in front of strangers every night, you have to numb yourself so you have alcohol/drug addictions. So when these girls want to leave the business, they have a LOT of issues to deal with.

Can you share a story of someone you’ve met who has impacted you in a way that drives you or has changed you?

This is a tough ministry. You don’t give an altar call and hundreds come forward. Most of the time you don’t see any fruit. I know I’m a farmer planting seeds, but sometimes you wonder if you’re making a difference. A few months ago, Kevin (our favorite manager), got out of the business. He had been in sexually-oriented businesses for over 20 years. We’ve been praying for him for 8 years. Even when he was laying in the hospital after being shot in the face, I asked him if he was ready to get out of the business. He said, “No. This is all I know.” Three years after that incident he is OUT of the business. What an incredible answer to prayer! He’s working as a cook in a bar/grill. It’s located between a strip club and a swinger’s club. We see him on Friday nights. We added the club next to Kevin’s bar to our Friday night outreach so that we can continue to see him. We pray a hedge of protection about Kevin so that he won’t go back into that line of work.

When Kevin was still in the business, he would call and say one of his dancers was in trouble and needed to talk to us. He would put them on the phone, and we would talk to them and pray with them.

We had a Muslim club owner give us money because he believed in what we were doing. When his wife was having trouble with her pregnancy, he asked us to pray. We did. She had a good remaining pregnancy and delivered a healthy baby. The club owner thanked us for our prayers.

It’s things like this that keep me going.

Do you find your friends and family are supportive?

Surprisingly, yes. My parents, who are retired Assemblies of God pastors, go with me. My mom says that if it were her child in the clubs, she would want someone going in to tell her daughter that God still loves her, and it’s not too late. Several friends go with me. Co-workers give me money and are always encouraging me.

So you always have someone with you when you do this?

ALWAYS. No one goes anywhere in the club alone.

What does your husband think of this? Does he go with you?

Yes, he goes with me. He and my dad stay in the parking lot and talk to the parking lot attendants. My husband is very supportive. He’s there to encourage me when I’m fed up and want to shut down the ministry.

Side note: If any of you are single, don’t give up hope. I was 41 when I married for the first time. My husband is in a motorcycle ministry that ministers to outlaw bikers. In fact, that’s how we met. His m/c ministry was helping at an outreach I was leading to a low-income apartment complex. I’ve joined his ministry and go to the m/c rallies. Don’t give up. Don’t settle. Pursue God. When the time is right, He will bring the right person in to your life.

To be continued…

Join us next time to read how Drenda and her team deal with the male customers, critics, and preparing for big events like the porn conventions and other adult entertainment venues.

Send me your questions…

A friend of a friend of a friend…seriously, has agreed to do an interview here on the Sex, Love, and Marriage blog. For the last 8 years, Drenda has had a ministry in Houston where she goes into strip clubs and gives gift bags to the dancers. Back in January she took a team to the porn convention in Vegas to work with XXXChurch. She has also ministered at Mardi Gras, Gay Pride in Hollywood, Fantasy Fest in Florida, and others. This woman is amazing and I can’t wait to hear her story.

I’d love to include you in the discussion by sharing your questions with her. What would you ask her if the two of you were sitting down for a cup of coffee? Leave me a comment or email me and I’ll include your questions with my own. Then she will be a guest on this blog and share what she has learned through her outreach to the brokenhearted in the sex industry.

Bring on the questions!

Congratulations to…

Zoe, my official “pull a name out of a hat” girl, drew your name to win Tricia Goyer’s Generation NeXt Marriage! I’ll get the book to you asap.

I liked all the songs mentioned in the comments. Thank you to everyone who participated. All three of your comments were appreciated. lol

Generation NeXt Marriage

Do you still find yourself humming the love songs of the 80s and 90s? Do you still believe that every marriage should be between soul mates? But — do you wonder how you can succeed at love and marriage when the generation you grew up in didn’t? Marriage isn’t what it used to be-it can be better than ever. If you are a Gen Xer, your marriage has challenges and potentials that no other generation has known. A Gen Xer herself, Tricia Goyer offers realistic help to achieve the God-honoring marriage you long for. She includes:

~Ways to protect your marriage despite the broken relationships modeled in your youth
~Stories, suggestions, and confessions from fellow Gen Xers facing the “What now?” question of real-life marriage
~Advice from the ultimate marriage survival guide: the Bible
~Stats, quizzes, sidebars, and study questions related to this “relationally challenged” time in history
~Practical helps for negotiating kids, work, sex, money, and dirty laundry-sometimes all in the same evening

If you are part of a generation of adults who don’t want to bow to their culture or live and love like their parents did — this book is for you.

The assignment for this blog tour was to choose one chapter and talk about what a difference it, or the principle in it, has made (or will make) in my own marriage. I had a hard time choosing which chapter to focus on because they are all great topics! It finally came down to the one I’m currently struggling with the most. So let me tell you a little about the book, then I’ll dig in to the principle that has and is changing me.

Each chapter begins with the title or lyrics of a song from the 80’s. I love that creative touch, and brings back memories. Music was a big influence. As Tricia said, “It defined our times. I quote them not because they have the answers, but because they reveal our questions. Within their lyrics lie the thoughts, longings, hopes, and confusion of an entire generation. And within God’s holy word are the answers we sought then and still seek now.” A lot of marriage books cover the topics found in Tricia’s book, but not many of them do so with a focus on the struggles specific to Gen Xers. BTW, in case you’re wondering if you fit this category, here’s a quick generation breakdown.

GI: Born 1900’s to 1920’s

Silent: Born 1920’s to 1940’s

Boomer: Born 1940’s to 1960’s

Xer: Born 1960’s to 1980’s

Millenial: Born 1980’s to 2000’s

To say that we’re the only ones to face these struggles in the ways Tricia portrays, would be a gross miscommunication. She simply delves into some of the unique or new challenges the Gen Xers faced that effect our marriages now. If you fit in the other categories, I would still encourage you to read this book and apply some of the principles that transcend the generation gaps. Some of the topics included in this book include: Dealing with unrealistic expectations in the reality of marriage, revisiting your relationship role models, media matters, church service, conflict resolution, lovemaking, money matters, dreams and goals, and several more. Included in each chapter are thoughts by Gen Xers regarding that chapters focus and how it pertains to their own marriages. Their are also Bible verses to look up and quotes by relationship experts. This is good stuff!

I chose Chapter 6: Intimacy, which begins with Peter Gabriel’s song, “In Your Eyes” (…I am complete.)

I LOVE that song. While your first thought might be that this chapter is sexual in nature, it’s more about making heart connections that count. Tricia and I have something in common in that we were both sexually active at a young age. That has had a lasting effect on our relationships and ultimately our marriages. Tricia stated, “As a generation, we learned to exist on the surface but not go too deep.” For some that meant keeping a safe distance from others, guarding our hearts. For some that has meant giving of our bodies, but not our hearts or our souls. Sexual but not intimate. There is a difference. You can be sexual with someone without connecting on a deeper level and sharing who you really are in the inner most parts of yourself. Even non-sexual relationships, people you’re friends with, can know only a “surface you” and not your fears and hopes and dreams for your life. That’s been my struggle for years. This chapter helped me think through the causes of that struggle.

When I was growing up, I didn’t see intimacy exemplified in the married relationships around me. I saw sex, fighting, abuse, and manipulation, and even tolerance, but not intimacy. Whether it was taught to me or I just picked it up by proxy, I learned that intimacy was sex. And since I knew I wasn’t supposed to have sex (remember I did everything but that) there wasn’t much of a chance of me learning intimacy. It didn’t bode well for my future.

In my friendships, I hid who I was so people wouldn’t know how crazy things were in my family, and because I didn’t trust them to care for my heart. Since I’m a people person, I’ve never struggled with making friends. But having lots of friends is not the same as having intimate friends. I didn’t just have one best friend. The “I can tell you my deepest darkest secrets and know you’ll never tell a soul” kind of friend. I had been hurt so many times and dumped by friends for various reasons, so I slowly began building walls of protection around my heart. Yet there was a war going on within me. I knew a voice that kept telling me to trust anyway, love anyway, risk anyway. My deepest desire was for intimacy even though I didn’t understand what that was. I fought for transparency and being real - a fight that continues to this day. Without that fight in me, I would never have experienced intimacy with my husband or some of the friends I have that are so dear to my heart.

In Mike Mason’s book The Mystery of Marriage, he writes, “The wedding is merely the beginning of a lifelong process of handing over absolutely everything, and not simply everything that one owns but everything that one is. There is no one who is not broken by this process. It is excruciating and inexorable, and no one can stand up to it. Everyone gets broken on the wheel of love, and the breaking that takes place is like nothing else under the sun… That is the vulnerable place in all human relationships. What is on the line, always, with every person we meet, is our capacity to love and to be loved. But whereas in most other relationships our vulnerability in this respect can be hidden, more or less (and how expert we are at hiding it!), in the relationship of marriage it is this very quality of vulnerability that is exposed, exalted, exploited. And this is the thing that can prove to be too much for people, too much to handle. Many give up and run away, their entire lives collapsing in ruins. But even those who hang on face inevitable ruin, for they must be broken too.”

As someone about to celebrate a 15th anniversary, I can tell you that statement is bursting with an uncomfortable truth. People like their privacy and the safety net that it creates. But I long to be known and to know others, truly know them. That desire has made me want to forfeit privacy and reach for the realness of deep relationships and to “wear my heart on my sleeve.” Some of the phrases chosen to give us a word picture of what transparency in relationships is sound so sexual but are still so appropriate. Nakedly open and honest…bearing all…revealing myself…engaging…sharing myself. I aim to do and be all of those things. Sure, there is fear and sometimes it results in painful exchanges with those who don’t understand or respect my choosing to live that way. But I continue to risk and fight for authenticity.

How does this translate to my marriage? I asked Benny this morning if he thought we were open in our marriage. His answer didn’t completely surprise me. He said it depends on what we’re talking about. We can talk about the easy stuff in life, but we tend to avoid some of the harder stuff. He said sometimes he’s afraid to bring up the hard stuff because I fight with him instead of simply having a discussion about it. ouch. He’s knows me so well. So now I know what I need to work on. I want true intimacy in my marriage, and if there is something standing in the way of that, I want to destroy it. I appreciate Tricia addressing this topic with candor and wit, and encouraging me to remove the layers, whatever they may be, to reveal my true self to my husband. I take that as an invitation to do the same with my friendships.

I am holding a contest on this blog as well as my MY Journey blog, to win a copy of Tricia’s book. All you have to do to enter is leave a comment with either a title or a line from your favorite 80’s love song. Sounds fun and easy, right? The contest will only run for 5 days beginning today, April 3rd and ending Monday, April 7th.Tricia is also holding a contest on her blog:

Win a date with your spouse (whoo-hoo) Love Gen X Style!

Share your story and WIN a dinner for TWO to the restaurant of your choice! ($50 maximum) Tell us the story of how you and your spouse met. If you have photos, send those along, too! All the stories will be published on this blog. The winning story will be the one with the most comments…so tell your friends. A winning story will be chosen at the end of the blog tour and will be published in Tricia’s monthly newsletter! (Just think, you’ll be famous!)

Contest entry form for Generation NeXt Marriage blog tour!

For more information about Tricia Goyer and her other projects, check out her spaces on the web.

http://triciagoyer.com

http://genxparents.blogspot.com

http://triciagoyer.blogspot.com

Princesses and Prostitutes

The following is a reprint from a newsletter my husband Benny receives. He sent it to me and I immediately emailed the author for permission to reprint it here, which he so graciously granted. It fits so well with what I think this blog is about. If you like the article, check out Russell’s website and see what else he has to offer. I appreciate his willingness to step out and speak up. This is a GREAT article!

Well I know I’m supposed to be writing about Training, Nutrition, recovering Fast from Injury, Attitude and Losing Weight. I know I’m JUST a trainer and not a psychiatrist or psychologist. And I know you don’t tune in here to get answers on how to solve the problems of the world.

Well today I must digress. Yesterday the Governor of New York got caught paying for sex in a prostitution ring. He was paying up to $5,000 per session with these girls. The governor is married with 3 daughters.

I’m not moralizing and I know it’s the ‘world’s oldest profession’ and that it’s between 2 consenting adults and it’s his private life. But I woke up this morning not thinking about the governor but about the ‘call girls’, the ‘hookers’, the ‘prostitutes’. And no guys, I wasn’t thinking about what $5,000 would do for me:).

Does anybody care about how these beautiful women got to a point in life where selling their bodies and services was okay? How do incredible little Princesses grow up and then end up in such a degrading ‘occupation’?

Yeah, yeah I know… but Russell don’t you understand that this is a ‘victimless crime’ between 2 consenting adults? Who’s the FOOL asking me THAT question? Victimless?

What about the prostitute? Oh yeah she got PAID to have her heart and soul and self-worth pummeled further into oblivion. But that’s not the John’s fault (or the Governor’s fault in this case), is it? No the Gov didn’t start the process of destroying the Princess but he sure as hell didn’t come to her RESCUE either.

Then there’s the Governor’s wife and 3 teenage daughters. Let’s ask them how victimless this was..

They cheered on Wall Street because a self-righteous, merciless man was being brought down.

I know, I know… I’m just so naive… This is the way the world is- always was, always will be. Not MY world! I grew up with the ‘free love’ of the 60’s and 70’s. It didn’t work because it was really ‘free sex’ AND anyone who knows ANYTHING about history realizes how it destroyed lives. It brought unheard of levels of drug and alcohol abuse. People died- physically, emotionally and spiritually. I went to the funerals.

BUT THE REAL REASON I’M WRITING THIS IS TO SAVE ALL OF THE PRINCESSES IN THE WORLD!!!!!

I need real men to take a stand against anything or anyone who would harm our daughters. Not just your own but every little girl on the planet. And we don’t need to just PROTECT them. We need to let them know who they are. We need to build them up. We need to love on them. We need to give them a reason to dream big dreams.

Someone once told me that Dad needs to be the Man in her daughter’s life until her wedding day.

When the day comes that a little girl stops feeling like a Princess, YOU have to be there to remind her about Cinderella. Help her practice her dancin’. And make sure the Prince IS NOT a creep:)…

As my friend David DeNotaris always says, “Make it a Great Day”…bye4now…

Your friend (iC),
Russell Jones

PS- Please visit us at the http://www.PowerWorkshop.org/ to see what’s new.

Nightline Porn Debate Review

I finally watched the debate online and I was surprised it was broken up into 10 segments. I wonder why it wasn’t streamed into one show like they do for reruns of your favorite tv shows that are available to watch? Here are the links to make it easier for you to watch for yourself. It was a lot better than what was aired on t.v. including the moderation.

Part 1
http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=&affil=kmgh

Part 2
http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=4365373&affil=kmgh

Part 3
http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=4367518&affil=kmgh

Part 4
http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=4367795&affil=kmgh

Part 5
http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=4367956&affil=kmgh

Part 6
http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=4367990&affil=kmgh

Part 7
http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=4368158&affil=kmgh

Part 8
http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=4368160&affil=kmgh

Part 9
http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=4368248&affil=kmgh

Part 10
http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=4368272&affil=kmgh

I thought both sides made some good points, and I want to share a few of them with you. First of all I want to say that Craig Gross is a brave man and he says himself he is always the underdog in these debates. This is just one small part of what he does. I’ve been advocating for his ministry website xxxchurch.com for a few years now. If you haven’t checked them out yet, please do so.

Craig had 4 main points:

1. Porn is NOT REAL, it’s fantasy. It’s sets people up for failure in REAL relationships because no one can live up to the standards set on screen. It also makes real life less appealing because life isn’t just about selfish desires and having others cater to you, making you feel good.

*An audience member made the point that ALL fantasy including literature, mainstream movies and t.v. etc. can also have this effect on individuals. We saw this happen in the 80’s and 90’s with the gaming community.

2. Porn is not made by consenting adults for consenting adults. The average beginning age for viewing porn is 11 years old. Boys aged 12-17 are among the biggest viewers of internet porn. It easily gets into the hands of children. He also pointed out that in many of the adult films, the young female stars are made to look like babysitters, cheerleaders, and other “from the classroom to the bedroom” young things and boast titles like “Barely 18″ and “Barely legal”.

3. Porn is degrading to women - it does not empower them. This point was heavily argued by Ron and Monique saying the girls make the choice to get involved in the adult entertainment industry and make a lot of money and that is empowering. Craig pointed out that even the titles of the films degrade women AND there are warnings on the back of the boxes that tell what you can expect as far as women crying or wincing in pain. Ron said that was a small percentage of the industry and most of the films portray women loving what they do.

4. There is no such thing as “Please watch porn responsibly”. Porn changes you, desensitizes you, and can be very addictive in nature.

The good points Ron made? He said for every 8 girls Donny and Craig used as examples of women being victimized and hurt by the industry, Ron could show you hundreds who aren’t harmed, make good money, and go on to have happy lives. You can’t argue with that. Some people have no problems after getting out of porn. They don’t regret what they’ve done and don’t seem to have any consequences for their past behavior. Ron agrees with Craig that we need to keep porn out of the hands of minors. He also thinks it’s good that Craig and his ministry are there to get women out of the business if they so choose. He admits there are definite dark sides to the industry and people who aren’t smart about it, even though he thinks they are in the minority. He said he has no problem with what Craig does and they are friends outside of the debates as well.

Donny shared why he got out of the business and told stories of women who have come back to him for help to get their pictures off the internet at any cost because it was ruining their life. When they first got into the industry they weren’t thinking about years down the road and how it might come back to haunt them later not only in relationships, but by losing their jobs because of violating a morality clause. He also said a few words about his involvement with the industry playing a part in the destruction of his own marriage.

Monique, well, I’m not sure what to make of her testimony. She seemed to contradict herself. She is brazen while doing sex scenes, but is terribly shy in real life relationships. She said, and I quote, “No parent wants their child to do porn” then proceeded to tell how her grandmother says she’s proud of her for supporting herself. When she mentioned her own parents, she said she doesn’t talk to her dad and her mom is fine with what she does. She bragged that she told her mom to call all her friends and tell them her daughter was going to be at Yale then followed it up with, “who says porn doesn’t take you anywhere?” She didn’t hide the fact that she was feeling defensive or that she herself feels empowered by the choices she makes.

Here’s what I loved. Ron and Craig are both very clear that they are not out to take anyone’s freedom of speech away. Craig isn’t even trying to get everyone on his side. He believes God loves porns stars just as much as God loves him. He is there to be available when people choose to get out of the adult entertainment business. Donny is great proof of that. For four years Donny was hostile to Craig’s message, but then the day came that he put down his camera and walked away from the industry. Who did he turn to? The guys who made themselves available and were ready with open arms to love him where he was at without condemnation. Look how far Donny has come in his understanding of God’s love. He now travels with Craig and can speak as one who has been there. God uses all kinds of people. I love that.

Disappointing Debate

Laurie commented that she was disappointed with the porn debate. I watched it Friday night, and I have to say, I completely agree! The editing was horrible, as well as Martin’s moderator skills, and I agree that neither side represented themselves very well. I was sad to find myself agreeing with a few of Ron Jeremy’s points. I’ll elaborate more on that in the next post when I review the online debate. I did feel that comments were cut off (on both sides) and we weren’t getting the full representation of what was being explained and rebutted.

I thought Monique came off as defensive and unsympathetic to the plight of the girls who have been victimized by the porn industry. I was surprised to hear Ron say he wouldn’t mind his daughter - if he had one - making her living by doing porn. I’ll bet he’d feel differently if he was actually a parent. He was right that we have a double standard. We’re more protective of daughters than sons. My impression was that Craig wasn’t given the chance to make his statements clearly as to what he finds wrong with porn, and Donny wasn’t given the credibility that he deserved as a former porn producer who saw the destructive side of the industry first hand from behind the lens of the camera. Nightline did not answer the question that was presented - Is America Addicted To Porn? - yet at the end was asking audience members which side won. What? With what they chose to air, neither side won. Lame. Maybe this was an attempt to get people to the website. Who knows?

I will point out that the full debate is supposed to be available on their website, so we’ll see if that was any better than the T.V. version. I’ll be back with more to say after I watch the online version. Please watch it and join the discussion.

The Great Porn Debate on Nightline -Friday Night!

Just a reminder to set your DVR or better yet, tune in to watch the debate on Nightline.

Friday night at 11:35 p.m. ET.

I had previously posted that it was tonight - Thursday, but I received an update a little while ago from XXXChurch with the revised date and time.

It will also be available on ABCNEWS.COM.

The Great Porn Debate on ABC’s Nightline

Last Friday Yale University held a discussion on the topic of porn.  As part of “Sex Week at Yale University,” two sides met for the second “Nightline Face-Off,” in which they asked the question: Is America addicted to porn? “Porn king” Ron Jeremy along with porn star Monique Alexander squared off against “porn pastor” Craig Gross and former porn producer Donny Pauling.

Watch the debate next Thursday, Feb. 28 on ABCNEWS.com, plus watch the full story on “Nightline” that night at 11:35 p.m. ET

To read the ABC news story, read comments about the debate (300+ so far), or contribute anything you have to say regarding the subject of porn, Click here.